Mom Guilt

Well, I am having issues getting our wordpress site set up.  The IT guy doesn't know why the DNS server will not connect and automatically connect you with www.talkthirtysomething.com.  Looks I like I have to make a call to our hosting company on Monday, I have been working on this for a few weeks and I really want to make the blog bigger and better! So hopefully we can get this DNS issue resolved and you will see better features on the page and you can go directly to the web site.

October has been a busy month for me professionally.  By day, I play superwoman in a medical office and if you are at all familiar with the recent changes in the healthcare community, all of our coding has changed.  It is more arduous, tedious and time consuming.  My brain is literally exhausted at the end of the day.  Thank you to the genius who decided it was so important to add 57,000 new codes to my work load.  I meticulously have to check every single code on an app on my phone in effort to teach myself the different codes and to ensure they are properly coded.  Ok ok, enough about my boring job.  This has been the reason why I haven't been able to write any new blogs or enlighten any of you on numerous topics.

This last month has had me thinking a lot about "MOM GUILT." So here I am as a single mother trying to balance working full time and being a mother, I have an awesome nanny who has been with me for two years and she is my right right right arm.  I don't know what I would do without Haley and her constant support.  She loves my son like her own.

As of 2015, 4 out of 10 moms are in the workforce now.  I have been working full time since 2008 and it was definitely an eye opener.  Leaving my precious boy all day at the sitter and not getting to spend the day or part of the day with him.  I felt like I was missing so much.  I missed my blonde haired, giggly little boy who happily ran every where and anywhere he could.

So how do we find that balance in our lives? Especially for moms in their thirties, most of us have just started families or have young children.  Most of us have to go back to work to support our families with cost of living going up each year.

My advice to all moms: LET GO OF THE GUILT!

With my job, I know I am providing my son with a good life.  Giving him a quality of life he wouldn't have if I wasn't working.  I think about the fact I am able to save for college, save for us personally.  I focus on the positives while he is at school now.

GET ORGANIZED! Grab those calendars and mark down everything professionally and personally.  Make it a priority to have a family night.  Make it a priority to sit down and have dinner together every night.  Every other Saturday morning, S and I go to breakfast together.  It is our special tradition.  He always gets pancakes and I get bacon and eggs.  He could easily rattle off what he want to the waitress immediately.  I also make it a point to have an activity for the weekends he is with me.  We attended the Northwestern game this weekend and even though we lost, he said it was a great game and he was so happy he got to go with me.  I love those special moments with him.

Most parents ask their kids how their day was?  I have found that asking Scotty this question simply gets me the reply, "good."  So I have began asking what was the best part of your day? Did anything exciting happen? Did you learn anything new?  It is nice to develop a different repertoire with him.  He then is more engaged and wants to talk to me.

I take S to school every morning and I love it.  We have a long drive to school since we moved to our new house, but now I have twenty extra minutes with him.  Most of the time, we play music, dance and sing.  I hope he someday he does this with his children and tells them how silly and goofy their grandma was when she took him to school.  He also is my little navigator every day.  He does ask me a lot of complicated questions about things usually in the morning when my brain is still trying to wake up, but I find it is the most valuable part of my day.  Those twenty minutes mean the world to me.

I am blessed in the regard I work for my father so he is very flexible with my schedule.  I can attend almost all of Scotty's school events like his talent show which I wouldn't miss as he always plays the piano every year! Make it a point to communicate with your employer about your children's events and the importance of attending those events, ask if you can take a longer lunch break or take PTO for an hour.  You don't get that time back with your children.  Trust me, they grow up way too fast!

For those of you with younger children, take breaks at work and call your children.  Tell them hi and see how they are doing.  I always make an effort to check on S after school and see how he is doing.  I am usually told he is either singing happy songs, playing basketball or watching tv.  I also pack little notes in his lunch, but I have began to send fewer notes because I think they now embarrass him as he is going to be 11 years old.  He is beginning to be too cool for mom.

Thankfully, he told me yesterday that he would not have a girlfriend for 10 more years.  I told him that was an excellent plan until he hits puberty and meets girls in high school and I am sure that plan will go down the drain quickly, as I have one of the most gregarious children ever.  Little does he know, I will be having an arranged marriage for him per his father and my instruction.  You think I am kidding, but I am seriously considering it. : )

We sometimes feel guilty for spending time with our significant other and making time with them and leaving our children, but it is so healthy to nurture and rejuvenate your relationship.  They are your best friend in life and they come first.  It is important to foster your marriage or dating relationship.  You can do simple things together, go for a walk, eat lunch together, go out for coffee or have dinner together.  Simply set a monthly date for each other.  Juggling everything may seem like hard work, but making time for your spouse is crucial.

Also, make time for yourself.  Go exercise.  I love to do yoga personally.  Read a book, take a bubble bath, go get a pedicure.  Go for a run and decompress from the long week of working, tending to a spouse and children.  You deserve it and you don't need to feel guilty about it at all.  Lastly, get some rest each night and try to eat right! Yes, I know I know I need to stop drinking four diet cokes a day.  Hey, I am a work in progress.  I never confessed to be perfect, but perhaps I should start practicing some of these things myself.

To all you working moms, stay strong, you are the ultimate heroes in your children's lives and you are setting an amazing example for them.  Let go of the guilt and praise yourself for the things you do for your family!  It is not an easy job being SuperWoman at home and at work! Get it Done!

xx

A Blog to my 21 Year Old Self

Yesterday, I was going through old journals and I found a list of dreams I had at 21.  I thought I would share them with my readers:

1) Go to law school - I am still working on this one, it requires money, time and most of all money.  Sorry everyone, I am not going to law school.  I know friends and family will be disappointed not to see me in court duking it out with my opponents or getting the bad guys off the street.  I am thinking I would be one of those Law and Order attorneys, fighting crime, taking down the bad guys one at a time. Bad news everybody, I hate wearing suits.  I would not want to wear a suit every day.  Polyester is my least favorite fabric says the so called Fashion Maven. 

2) Run a Triatholon: OK, so I laughed out loud when I read this one.  Ummm...Christina you are 35 and you can barely walk the dog around the block let alone do Yoga where you sweat like a 400 lb man.  I am stretching and trying to contort my body into positions I literally laugh about in my head as the instructor comes around to fix my every position and I end up feeling like Niles from Frazier when he is doing Yoga with Daphne in Season 10.  Yes, I am a nerd and I watch Frazier and I also love old 80s movies.  

Again, Christina did you lose your mind when you wrote this down and realize the physical endurance it takes to run, bike and swim Apparently at 21 I thought I was invincible and a potential IronWoman! Sorry kids, I don't pan on doing a Triathlon.  I don't think my knees could do it and my body would hate me forever and would never forgive me for pain I subjected it to, but I am more than happy to run a 3k or 5k with anyone for fun and eat a big breakfast after we get done. 

3) To canoe down a river: Am I planning my own death? Now which river and where? Colorado River? Am I planning to go from Colorado to Nevada?  I could end up in Lake Mead. : ) 

Maybe I could just canoe on a lake, perhaps that would be safer.  My 21 year old mind didn't fathom the dangers of actually canoeing down a RIVER.  There are so many steps to canoeing down a river, how to get in a canoe, how to get out, the proper clothing.  After reading about going down the Shenandoah River....I was slightly terrified especially the part where they tell you how to self rescue a capsized canoe or what to do in white caps.  Ummmm...again no thank you past Christina.  No danger for me.  I would like to see my son graduate from middle school, high school and college, perhaps even get married and have grandchildren for me.  Fingers crossed on all those things 

Just in case you want to know how to rescue yourself in case of an emergency, I am happy to provide the instructions: 

How to Self-Rescue a Capsized Canoe

Capsizing in rapids can be a terrifying experience. Knowing what to do when it happens can save your canoe and equipment, as well as your life.

Try not to lose your paddle. You will have a long trip with no paddle.

1 Go to the upstream end of your canoe immediately upon capsizing and grab hold.

2 Keep your feet high and away from the bottom of the river unless it’s very shallow.

3 Consider the situation you’re in and decide whether your life or your companions’ lives may be in danger. Is there a dam or major rapids ahead? Does everyone have life vests and can everyone swim.

4 If your life or someone else’s is in immediate danger, forget the canoe and do whatever you have to do to avoid a  disaster. If you’re not in immediate danger, stay with the canoe.

5 Attempt to swim the boat to shore. Remember the concept of ferrying. This is vitally important here.

6 Turn the back end of the canoe toward the shore you wish to swim to and kick in that direction. Keep your feet up to avoid rocks.

7 Swim until you’re in water shallower than your knees before trying to stand. Remember that the weight of the boat is going to pull you when you try to stand.

8 If two people can get the boat to waist deep water, completely submerge the canoe, turn the canoe upside down under water, lift the canoe straight up from both ends and set the canoe right side up on top of the water. Get to the bank and reenter the canoe.

4) To have a picnic under the STARS: Excellent Choice! Finally, I wrote down something I could actually do 14 years later and I am being totally realistic here, I can handle a beautiful night under the stars.  Let's grab a very comfy West Elm blanket, a picnic basket full of crackers and cheese and other goodies, go out to the country, lay on our backs and look up at the stars.  I even looked up the future Star Gazing events in the coming months.  Now, could someone just find me a gorgeous brunette haired handsome man for me to share this beautiful moment with? Side note: Preferably, I would like this man to be at least 6 ft tall with minimal baggage.  I promise I will only look at the stars and not just gaze at him into his eyes.  I know it may be hard for Prince Charming not to gaze into my beautiful green eyes and fall in love with me so I will try to stay focused on the sky above and the brilliant double planet coming our way on October 26.  

A brilliant double planet … again: Oct. 26

For the second time in 2015, Venus and Jupiter will engage in a close conjunction, this time separated by just over 1 degree, Venus passing to the southwest (lower right) of Jupiter and shining more than 10 times brighter than the huge gas giant.

Taurid meteor shower 'fireballs': October and November

The Taurid meteors, sometimes called the "Halloween fireballs," show up each year between mid-October and mid-November. The shower should peak from Nov. 5 to Nov. 12 in 2015. Meteor expert David Asher has also discovered that Earth can periodically encounter swarms of larger particles, which can produce fireball meteors in certain years, and 2015 is predicted to be one of those years.

5) To visit Monterrey, California: Thank you past self, I actually went to Monterrey in 2011 with Scotty, but the visit was far to short.  I love the boardwalk, the shops, the beaches.  I could take a cup of coffee and just sit on the the beach for hours looking at the ocean.  The peace and serenity of it all makes me fall in Love with Monterrey all over again and again.  I told my son I will retire in Carmel or Florida.  He told me I am not allowed to live in Florida until I am 70 because of the hurricanes and then he will buy me my condo.  

He was more apt to me living in Carmel, California and he said he would buy me a condo there because he wouldn't have to worry about hurricanes and I could move there when I am 65.  Good thing he is so open to paying for my future condo and I told him he could go golf at Pebble Beach and I would watch his kids.  I thought that was a fair deal.  I am also trying to talk him into buying me a Porsche Cayenne.   Hey, a girl can dream!  

The other day we went to the dentist and he said Mom, you always pay for my dentist visits, but you need to go.  I said you are more important.  I will go in a few months.  He said mom when I grow up, I will pay for your dentist visits and doctor visits.  They will call you back and say Ms. Deck, Ms. Deck, it's time for your appointment and don't worry Mom I will make sure you hear them when they say its your turn.  Apparently, I am going to have bad teeth and I won't be able to hear.  Thanks Scotty for having my back.  

6) To own a SAAB convertible: Red, beige interior, black top, power windows, locks.  I have wanted this car since I was 16 and yes, 21 year old self you can have this car, but I may need to get a second job or a job where you make $200,000 a year.  As Wayne Campbell said in Wayne's World, It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be  mine.  

7) To go to Florence, Italy: Yes, I watched While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock 600000 million times too many and in the movie she wanted to go to Florence Italy.  But, that is not why I want to go.  It is a beautiful, ancient city full of art and architecture.  It houses great works by Botticelli and Michelangelo, the Tower of Pisa and the Ponte Vecchio Bridge.  Thank you 21 year old self for this recommendation.  Now I just need to save some money for a plane ticket, hotel and for food. Maybe I could start one of those Go Fund Me Pages...Would anyone contribute? It is a valid cause people! I need to go to Italy! This woman needs a vacation. 

8) Start Forgiving myself for mistakes: This is me at 35 not 21.  I am now in my mid 30s and I can't dwell on my errors of my past, I can only learn from them, let them go and move on...It is called self compassion.  So now at 35, I am where I am meant to be.  Yes, 21 year old self you had some great dreams and passions.  Some of them I can do, but some of them will stay in the past.  The greatest thing  you forgot to put on that list was have a child. Have a Scotty, an amazing, delightful boy with the biggest heart of anyone I know.  He's been my greatest joy, my greatest blessing and my greatest work of art. 

xx

Flickr/Patty

Don't Let Comparison Steal Your Joy

Over the Summer, I found myself doing this a lot.....comparing myself to other women my age on Facebook.  At one point, I had to leave Facebook. I had to deactivate my account completely and say enough. I had to tell myself to stop comparing myself to all those shining glossy perfect smiling faces.  I assumed I was the only one who had problems, frustrations and heartache in my life.

Yes, I thought at my AGE I had to have the perfect job, the perfect husband, the perfect family, the perfect house, the perfect car and the list goes on and on....  I thought I am 35 and I don't have four kids, a BMW and I am not working in corporate America.  I had to step back and realize that maybe my life is perfect the way it is as God intended.  I also realized some people are achieving more than me and that is ok.  I have to focus on being the best version of me for myself and my son.  Plus life would be so boring if each human being was the same, it would be very very vanilla.  

And Guess what? I'm human! I do not have a perfect life.  My child argues with me about homework every night, IPAD time and going to bed.  The dog also doesn't listen to me either and he looks so perfect in pictures too with his adorable face.  Just know, Morgan ate a whole box of Wheat Thins left on the couch the other night and he was in BIG trouble.

I have had to learn to let go and let God.  Trust me, as the oldest of five kids not an easy thing to do when you are a perfectionist at heart.

I also became jealous of other families taking elaborate vacations.  A friend and I had coffee the other morning.  She was telling me her son wants to go Hawaii and I said I would love to take my son on a glorious vacation as well.  The reality, we have to pay for groceries, gas, house payments, car payments, medical bills and those vacations take a backseat to life and taking care of our priorities in front of us.  

As a child, I didn't think about going to Hawaii or California.  Up until I was eight years old, we traveled to Kansas City for summer vacation.  I didn't know even different then and I thought it was the greatest vacation.  We swam in the pool at the Adam's Mark pool, we went to a Kansas City Royals game and we went to Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun.  I thought we were rich and we had the best life. At that time, I didn't know the reality of any financial struggle my parents were facing.

Also, my parents have taken my family on trips as well this year including a wonderful trip to Nevada and Minnesota. I am so grateful to them, as they continue to give my son vacations to amazing places and best of these, Minnesota. I do my best to think of those things any time I say I don't have enough or I think I need more in my life.  

But I think as mothers and women, we get caught in that trap.  We find ourselves engrossed in what social media is feeding us.  Look at Jane Doe from my son's school leading the perfect life, honestly we do not know what goes on behind closed doors.  Why did Jane Doe and the women from school go out without me? Why the hell weren't they inviting me to do anything with them?!?  We find ourselves reverting back to high school mentality.  I was asking myself why everyone else was having a life and I wasn't included.  

I had to remind myself that Jane could be leading a very different life than portrayed on Facebook. Yes, everything looks so neat and tidy on social media, but trust me, couples fight, kids kick, scream, argue and don't go to bed on time and yes, some wives do hate their mother in laws (gasp!) and husbands are not always faithful.  They just do not broadcast this information on social media.  And yes, I wasn't included in their group outings, but I wasn't making an effort to be friends with them either or reaching out to them.  I realized it was a two way street.  

You will see a younger or uneducated generation more apt to announce their heartaches, disappointments and issues on Facebook than our generation.  

Also, we get caught up in Instagram too, celebrities posting their whole life stories about botox, boob lifts, butt lifts and liposuction.   I am all natural, baby! I have had to accept the fact that I am 35.  Yes, that is my age.  I am not going to Benjamin Button my way out of this.  I have stretch marks, I have cellulite and gravity is taking over in other areas.  That is just reality, but Victoria Secret has helped me achieve some leverage over gravity.  Embrace getting older, embrace everything about it and love your body and yourself.  

You may not end up where you thought you were suppose to be, but you will always end up where you were meant to be.  I have learned that along the way.  Ultimately, the best way to enjoy your life is to stop comparing your life to others.  

xx

Being ThirtySomething

Talk ThirtySomething to Me

 

Yes, I like to go to bed at 9 p.m. on the week days, I love coffee at 6 a.m., I would rather hang out with my 10 year old than any other person in the world, I appreciate and value my family and siblings more now at 35 than I ever have in my life.

Whether you are single, married, divorced, widowed....
going through a divorce, getting married  or any of the above....

Your thirties are a decade to remember, my dad always says it was the best decade of his life. You have survived your twenties. You have grown, learned a few things on this path called life, fallen on your face 12,000 times and picked yourself back up again.  Now in your 30s, friends and family alike have started families or they are beginning families.  Your thirties are full of a different kind of hope and vigor compared to your twenties.  Also, you know yourself a little bit better in your 30's.  You know your likes and dislikes.  You can name your favorite movie, favorite food, favorite car....so on...

So what is my blog about....life....life in your 30s.  How totally unexpected it can, how happy it can be, how sad it can be, how joyful it can be, how messy it can be, how fun it can be, but at the end of the day...you must realize each day is a brand new day and you get a fresh start each and every day.  That is pretty damn amazing! 

So here is a few things you can start doing today to make your day better:

LEAVE THE DRAMA AT THE DOOR! 
You also learn as a 30 year old the drama is so not worth the time or the energy.  You lose friends and you gain new ones.  So get rid of the crappy people in your life who drag you down, all the negative people who suck the energy out of you.  They are not worth your time.  Trust me, you are better off without them.  Focus on the people who bring positives into your life and lift you up, especially those who bring joy to your life and make you smile.  At 35, like me, you get to a point where you you make a choice to be happy for yourself and it will lead you down a path you never imagined.  A yellow brick road of peace, serenity and calm. Invest in your family, your siblings, your nieces and nephews and your relationship with your parents.

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
Start taking better care of yourself, yes I go to bed every night around 9 p.m.  My mom gives me a hard time.  She and my dad are in their 50s and I swear they are nocturnal.  They always have been and they always will be.  Drink water, less alcohol perhaps more red wine.  Also, take your vitamins.  I didn't know until two years ago I had low Vitamin D.  I now take a Vitamin D supplement every day, a multivitamin and Vitamin B12 for an energy booster.  Also for all you hot babes out there, make an effort to quit smoking now. Your lungs will thank you in your forties and fifties.  One of my favorite snacks has become almonds and replace them for that mid afternoon Snickers if you need to snack or replace that Twix bar with an orange or an apple. 

LET GO AND LET GOD
Stop worrying about the little things.  I have had to focus on letting go of certain things I cannot control. It is not an easy thing for me to do personally.  It takes so much of our mental energy and time to focus on the little things.  Worrying doesn't get you anywhere, it is just like a rocking chair.  I realize I could be finding simple solutions for the problems and move on from it.  Then I can focus on my son and he is the most important thing.  The little crap is not worth it! I pray to St. Teresa.  I keep her prayer card in my purse. When I have moment of stress, I take out my prayer card and I say the prayer.  It helps me feel better inside and I find myself able to move on with my day. 

ACTS OF KINDNESS
One of the things my mom has always told me, do nice things for others and do not expect them to say thank you.  I enjoy doing nice things for others.  I started doing a few things for my co workers last year and I need to get back into the habit of it again.  One day I bought them flowers and then the next month I bought them both gift cards to Starbucks.  I wasn't expecting anything in return.  I simply wanted them both to know how much I appreciated all their hard work.  Be generous with your time also.  Offer to babysit for your friends for free if they need a night out from their children.  Also, do not expect a thank you.  Do not expect anything in return. Just know in your heart you are doing an amazing act for someone else.

xx